Recently, a member of our church family asked me if I was ready to retire. To be more specific, she actually said, “Are you ready to leave us?” I was surprised by the question and felt that I could instantly cry. But I steadied myself because I thought crying at that moment was not a good idea.
I paused, and in those few seconds of quiet, I decided to tell her the truth without making it tidy and without being evasive. No, I said. I am not ready to go. But I added quickly, and I am not sure I ever would be or could be ready to go.

I think that is the truth of it. I am not really ready to leave you, but I will never be ready to leave you. And yet, in some ways that seem to exist in a realm beyond words, it is time to go.

I have served you with my whole heart and loved you dearly and deeply. And told you so. Many times. And that will be a part of me forever. I leave knowing that I have given you every gift, skill, talent, strength and piece of wisdom that I carry inside me. It feels like my entire life was in preparation to helping rebuild the Haydenville Congregational Church.

And in return for serving you with my whole heart and loving you deeply, you trusted me, and gave me your hearts and loved me deeply. I gave much, and received much much more.

Friends and colleagues have given me articles and other readings on retirement and I find most of them unhelpful. They talk about having a new relationship with time, and living out one’s heart’s desires. The readings are unhelpful because I have lived out my heart’s desire—within our community, with all of you. So I have put most of what I have been given aside and just muscle on through the stages of loss. And I hug and pray with those of you who come to my office in tears.

But one reading that is not about retirement has been helpful and I have returned to it over and over again. It is from John O’Donohue’s book To Bless the Space Between Us. The blessing is called “Courage” and I share with you a few of the lines,

Close your eyes. Gather all the kindling About your heart To create one spark. That is all you need To nourish the flame That will cleanse the dark Of its weight of festered fear.

A new confidence will come alive To urge you toward higher ground Where your imagination Will learn to engage difficulty

As its most rewarding threshold!

I like this blessing because it works for me and also for all of you and what lies ahead.

You too stand at a “most rewarding threshold.”

It was easy, when I first came to Haydenville, to help the church move from a “family church” to a “pastoral church.” But try as I might, I could not quite tug or drag us fully into being a “program church.”

Although we have all the trappings of a “program church” (according to the experts who write about these things), it was hard for me to get us there because I was (and I supposed you were too) sort of stuck in the “pastoral church” model. I was used to being at all meetings, available 24/7, and at the hub of a spinning wheel. I talked about how much we need to move fully and completely into being a program church, but never really quite got us there.

A “most rewarding threshold” awaits you now. Under Pastor Chris’ fine leadership, I think the church will truly move into being a well-oiled program church that hums along with grace.

So I am holding onto the John O’Donohue blessing and I hope you will also. “A new confidence will come alive/To urge you toward higher ground.” I believe that is true.

I am reading John O’Donohue these days, and singing my favorite hymns to myself. Especially this verse from, “How Firm a Foundation,”

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply. The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

I have never ever ever been good at saying good-bye. So I will close this piece with a word of gentle farewell…. remember always that God is near and your source of strength, guidance, hope and vision. Remember that what we have experienced together at the church can never be taken from us. Remember that I have served and loved you with my whole heart and you have given me and taught me more than I could have ever imagined when I first came to the Haydenville Church. Remember that a “most rewarding threshold” lies ahead! Move forward with confidence and all shall be well.

With love, Andrea

For a Gazette news story on Andrea’s future plans, click on the News and Events section.